7 psychological phrases to know if you're dating a narcissist

7 psychological phrases

to know if you're dating a narcissist

If you're in a relationship with a narcissist, or someone who you suspect might be a sociopath, it can be difficult to explain what's happening. For example, day-to-day in the relationship you may feel alone but not quite understand why. You may feel like you're always saying the wrong thing and making your partner angry, but you have no idea what set them off.
Without the right words, everything can seem confusing, especially if you haven't read about personality disorders before.
Psychologists and the online community of survivors of narcissistic relationships use several terms to help make sense of what happened to them, such as why they fell for a narcissists charm, why they were targetted, or what made someone they loved treat them this way.
Because once you start to be able to talk about it, you can start to realise the way you were treated wasn't okay.
Donna Andersen is a journalist who founded the website LoveFraud.com after she came out of an abusive marriage with a sociopath. The website is now a popular go-to place for people who have been through abuse, to help teach them to recognise and avoid sociopaths.
Andersen wrote a blog post last month about some of the phrases and words you should know if you think you're going through an abusive relationship with a narcissist or sociopath, and this is a few of the ones you should be aware of.
Sociopath and narcissist are used interchangeably in this article. This is because for the most part, if someone is dealing with any of these situations, anyone with narcissistic tendencies, including sociopaths, could be to blame.
View As: One Page Slides


1. Love bombing


Unsplash / Jamie Street

When you first met the narcissist, they may have showered you with affection.
They probably told you how different you were to anyone else they've dated,
how you were "the one," and you two were "meant to be."

They might have complimented you all the time, given you expensive gifts,
even taken you on holiday.

In reality, they probably weren't Prince/Princess Charming at all, they were just reeling you in,
psychologists say.

They spotted you, and they wanted to use you as their source of supply, and so turned on the charm
using a technique called love bombing.

It's when someone makes you feel like you're the most important person in the world,
and they must be the one for you because they seem so perfect.

However, none of it is real, and this isn't how a normal relationship is supposed to progress,
Dr Steven Stosny writes in a blog post for Psychology Today.

If you feel a relationship is progressing too fast, then it probably is, says Stosny.

If someone has declared their undying love for you a few weeks after meeting them,
and telling you you're their soul-mate, and they're making you uncomfortable,
then the affection probably isn't coming from a good place.
2. The predator


Unsplash / Massimo Mancini
Before they hooked you, the narcissist may have already been looking around for a new target.

It's not unlike a predator searching for its prey, because they knew they had to find someone weak who they could easily exploit.

Narcissists search carefully for the next person they can charm, seduce and trap, and they're very good
at it. It has to be someone who they know they can get a lot from, but also with vulnerabilities,
according to a blog by therapist Silvia Horvath on Psych Central, which is why they often target people
with low confidence and an underlying self-esteem problem.

However, the mark is also usually a very caring person who is willing to do things for other people,
says Horvath, and often they also show passion for their family, friends and career.

Having these qualities means you're more likely to see the good in the narcissist,
before they turn on you.

Sometimes, the narcissist may even have known about you before they started speaking to you.

They may have stalked you on social media or seen you around before they asked you out,
because they were sussing out whether you'd be a good target.
3. Pity play


Unsplash / I'm Priscilla

In her book "The Sociopath Next Door," Dr Martha Stout says the most reliable sign of a sociopath
when you first meet them is nothing to do with fear.

Instead, it is when they appeal to your sympathy.

If "you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people,
and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100% that you are dealing
with a sociopath," she writes in the book.

When they're trying to reel you in, a narcissistic person is likely to mention how badly
they've been treated in the past.

They may refer to past abuse in their life, or bad previous relationships.

This isn't to say what they're saying isn't true, but it's wise to be wary.

The narcissist knows you are empathetic, and they know revealing personal information to you
will probably make you feel like you're bonding with them.

In reality, they're usually just trying to create the illusion of closeness,
and they will ultimately use it against you.

After all, "I am sure that if the devil existed, he would want us to feel very sorry for him," Stout writes.
4. Gaslighting


Unsplash / Sagar Dani
According to a blog post by psychologist Dr Stephanie Sarkis on Psychology Today, gaslighting is a tactic manipulative people use to gain power over someone else. It basically makes you, the victim, question reality because they're acting like a puppet master.

Sarkis says there are several stages to gaslighting.

It happens gradually over time, so it can be difficult for the victim to identify before it's too late. It can start with a lie here and there, a snide comment every so often, until it ramps up more and more. It's like the "frog in the saucepan" analogy: heat is turned up very slowly, so the frog never realises it's starting to boil to death.

Narcissists may tell outright lies which you know aren't true, but they're so adamant
that you question the truth anyway. They also deny doing or saying things which you know
they in fact did say or do.

Sarkis says the more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs.
Every now and then, the abuser may throw in a compliment or praise to make you feel good,
and question whether they really are a bad person or not.

This all just adds to the confusion and makes you think you're losing your mind, Sarkis says.

It's also common for them to use your family or friends against you by telling them you're going crazy, while simultaneously telling you not to see them anymore, creating more distance between you
and those you trust.
5. Jekyll and Hyde


Paul Jackson / Flickr
Can't understand why your partner is being complimentary and kind to you one minute, and then accusatory and mean the next? This Jekyll and Hyde behaviour is common among narcissistic abusers,
and they use it as a way to keep you in line.

According to a blog post by therapist John G. Taylor MA on Psychology Today, abusive people
can be charming and loving when being watched by an outside audience, such as their family or friends,
but they can become a monster when you're both in the privacy of your own home.

Over time, the narcissist may begin to devalue you more and more often, according to therapist
Andrea Schneider in a blog post on Good Therapy.

The Hyde side of them will come out more often via put-downs, insults, gaslighting, lacking emotional
or physical intimacy, withdrawing affection, disappearing, or blaming their target for their own behaviour, also known as projection.

As a target, you may blame yourself for their behaviour because they're so well practised at shifting the focus onto you. However, it's important to remember the kind, caring, romantic mask of Dr Jekyll you fell for probably didn't actually exist in the first place.
6. Devalue and discard


Pixabay
Once you may have felt like the most important person in the world to the narcissist, but when they're finished with you, they cast you aside. They may have taken all your love, money and respect, and have no trouble with discarding you and looking for their next source of supply.
Now that you're totally depleted you are of no use to a narcissist, and so there's no reason to keep you around.

Depending on whether they're looking to get further supply from your friends and family,
Anderson warns in her blog post that they may turn to them for support.

You may even find none of them believe your side of the story, because they're just as enchanted
by the narcissist as you were.

This is called a "smear campaign."

Sociopaths don't necessarily work alone either.

If they're really intent on destroying you, they may rely on a gang of "flying monkeys" to make your life miserable.

It's a reference to The Wizard of Oz, where the flying monkeys do all the Wicked Witch
of the West's dirty work.

Some of them go along happily with the schemes because they are sociopaths themselves.

Others have no idea what they're a part of because they're under the narcissistic spell.
7. Hoovering


Unsplash / Ben White
Whether you've been discarded or you managed to escape from the narcissist, they will probably return.

So you need to be vigilant — block them from social media, block their number, and block anyone
you're both still in contact with.

This is what's known as "no contact."

Sarkis explains in another blog post on Psychology Today that narcissists fear perceived abandonment.

This is because image is so important to them. They thrive off attention, good or bad,
and when you give them the silent treatment they start realising they are no longer in control.

So often they return and try to reel you back in, sometimes known as "hoovering."

They may tell you they realise they made a mistake, they're sorry for how they treated you
and they'll never do it again.

Andersen says don't fall for it, as any happy reunion will eventually be replaced
by an even worse ending than before.

"It’s just the same scam, the sequel," she says.

If you think you may be involved in an abusive relationship, or would just like to talk to someone,
there are helplines you can call, such as Living Without Abuse, Refuge, and Disrespect Nobody.

Emotional, psychological, and mental abuse can be extremely difficult to recognise and hard to report; these support networks exist to help.


http://uk.businessinsider.com/dating-a-narcissist-phrases-to-know-2017-3

 

Here's what happens when you break up with a narcissist

• Lindsay Dodgson
  

• Feb. 23, 2017, 1:05 PM
• 126,189

• FACEBOOK
• LINKEDIN
• TWITTER

Breaking up with a narcissist can feel like your whole world has crumbled in on itself. It hasn't.woodleywonderworks / Flickr

It is challenging and exhausting being romantically involved with a narcissist, but they can also cause havoc when they leave. Break ups are always hard, but when you've been in a relationship with someone who uses others and is obsessed with themselves, it can be even harder.
On the surface, narcissists can seem charming, engaging and charismatic, which can make them difficult to leave in the first place.
Dr Judith Orloff, a clinical psychiatrist at the University of California Los Angeles, wrote in a recent blog post on Psychology Today that narcissists can make you "fall in love with them so hard that it feels like you're giving up a part of your heart to leave them," because they're very good at becoming the centre of your universe while you're with them.
Here's what to expect if you break up with a narcissist.
View As: One Page Slides


If they're the ones to break it off, it can feel brutal and sudden.


Unsplash / Xavier Sotomayor
One minute you may feel like everything your partner has ever wanted, and the next you're left wondering what on Earth went wrong. This is because narcissists are great at playing a part while they're getting something from their source, according to Orloff. But when they're done using you, they have no difficulty in casting you aside like a used tissue.
There will be no apologies or remorse, and you may well never hear from them again, regardless of how long your relationship was. If they do return, it will be because they've realised they can get something from you.
If you're the one who chose to leave, on the other hand, be prepared for begging, pleading or bargaining.


Flickr / Tom Hilton
If you're the one who chose to leave, good for you because Orloff saysthat's hard to do. They are likely to give you the fight of your life because they're not done with you yet. Narcissists hate losing their supply, so they won't let you go easily.
Prepare for them to promise "to change." They might suddenly start doing things for you that you'd been complaining about. They may say "you'll be lost without me," or "you'll never find someone like me."
Don't listen, Orloff advises. It's just a trick to get you to come back to them out of fear.
What next? Establish no contact.


Unsplash / Lee Scott
No contact is exactly what it sounds like: no contact whatsoever. That means blocking their number, making sure any emails from their address go into your spam folder, and deleting them off social media. This is tough, but mental health councillor Dr Stephanie Sarkis explains in a blog post on Psychology today that it's the best option because sooner or later the narcissist will find a way to return.
The narcissist will try to contact you if you cut off their supply, and they know just what to say to make you come back. So you have to be brutal, and fast. It may be best to break up with them over text also, so they can't manipulate you any further.
If you left something at the narcissist's house, Sarkis adds, you should just leave it and let it go. Consider it a very small price to pay for your own sanity and well-being.
Consider also removing people you have in common from social media.


Unsplash / freestocks.org
It might seem harsh, but sometimes it's just better to start completely fresh and remove any association of the narcissist from you life, psychologists advise. This includes their friends and family, from all social networks: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn...
The more connections you still have to each other, the more opportunities the narcissist has to slide back into your life somehow. They could also use their friends to try and make you jealous.
So unless you're very good friends with them, and you trust them completely, you should probably wipe the social media slate clean.
You may have to repeatedly pause and remind yourself of why it ended.


Unsplash / Jamie Street
When you break up with someone, a few selective good memories can come flooding back, prompting confusing feelings of regret. These feelings are usually false and unrepresentative of the relationship, psychiatrists say.
You might remember a time when your partner was sending you loads of messages every day and continually complimenting you. Compliments are great when they're sincere, but when a narcissist uses them it may be part of a technique called "love-bombing" in which the person bombards you with affection but has an ulterior motive.
As a reminder to yourself, jot down the reasons you split up. Did your partner frequently put you down? Call you names? Make you feel guilty or like you were crazy?
Your partner will likely appear to 'move on' quickly — and tell you about it.


Unsplash / Mink Mingle
Most true narcissists don't need time to heal from a break up as their initial feelings about the relationship were likely insincere or absent. It's not unheard of for a narcissist to have someone already waiting in the wings as a new source of support, or have their exit strategy carefully planned out.
This is one of the reasons removing them from social media can be helpful — there's likely to be a lot of loved up selfies.
In reality, they may simply be love-bombing a new target. On the bright side, it isn't you anymore.
Expect grief and embrace it, because it's important.


Unsplash / Cristian Newman
Grieving will be an important part of your recovery, so embrace it when it comes, advises Sarkis. After all, you have a lot to grieve over: the end of a relationship, and the person you thought your partner was. They love-bombed you when they first met you, and these feelings are still there, and they are strong and intense.
However, you figured out enough reason to get out of there, so remind yourself that many of these feelings were likely built on something false. The narcissist may have appeared to sweep you off your feet, but did they really deliver on their promises? Probably not.
Nevertheless, you probably had, and still have, a strong emotional bond to the narcissist, and only time can heal that wound. Sarkis says be glad you ended things when you did, because otherwise you'd still be in that toxic environment, losing more of yourself every day. The pain is only temporary.
Focus on yourself and do things that make you happy.


Unsplash / Brooke Cagle
Most importantly, you're going to need to focus on yourself, Orloff says. Take this time to try a new hobby or gym class, or go out and meet new people. This may sound daunting — being with a narcissist can use up a lot of energy and make you timid around new people.
But you're out of that situation now. It's time to reconnect with people that make you happy.
Sarkis and psychologist Dr Guy Winch recommend writing an "emotional first aid" list of things you can do as a distraction when you find yourself thinking about your former partner. You were pushed aside when you were with the narcissist, because your needs weren't important. Now it's time to look after you.
You'll realise relationships aren't supposed to be that way.


Unsplash / William Stitt
When the time is right, you'll find someone new. Dating is an important part of recovery. Still, you shouldn't expect to find "the one" right away. Just go out and have fun. Maybe you'll meet someone amazing, or maybe you'll make some great friends. Either way, these people will be a breath of fresh air.
Plus, you'll likely have a deeper understand of your own boundaries than you did previously, so give yourself more respect if someone isn't treating you the way you want.
When you finally develop your first crush after a relationship with a narcissist, it feels really great. It might not work out, but you'll be reminded of all the reasons someone actually likes you — and there are a lot!
If you think you may be involved in an abusive relationship, or would just like to talk to someone, there are helplines you can call, such as Living Without Abuse, Refuge, and Disrespect Nobody. Emotional, psychological, and mental abuse can be extremely difficult to recognise and hard to report; these support networks exist to help.

http://uk.businessinsider.com/what-...y-pause-and-remind-yourself-of-why-it-ended-5