A Letter To The Feminine ~ Jeff Brown

A Letter to the Feminine

“I apologize for my inability
to distinguish the benevolent warrior
from the heartless warrior,
a reflection of my own confusion
dealing with the battlefields of yore.

When I opened my heart too wide,
I was vulnerable to attack
from warring factions.

I was conditioned to believe
that I had to stay rigid, focused,
prepared for any eventuality,
in the desire to protect myself
and others from attack.

But I went too far,
and closed too tight,
and eradicated the bridge
between our hearts.

I am seeing this now and I am sorry.

I apologize for my perpetual absence,
a reflection of my own inner absence,
my inability to connect
from a heart jammed tight
by unresolved emotions
that I did not have the tools
to work through.

I still lack many of these tools,
but I am open to their emergence.

I apologize for my inability
to distinguish relationship from war.

Like a warrior in enemy territory,
I would sneak in and out
of your life in the night,
plundering and selfishly taking
what I needed, then crawling back
to the other side of the abyss
with the spoils.

I gave little back for fear
that I would become vulnerable
to attack.

I had war on the brain
and I could not see the river of love
waiting on the other side of the battlefield.

I now recognize that love is
the antidote for the armored warrior,
but I could not drink the antidote
in my driven state.

I apologize for not seeing you,
my eyes blinded by congealed rage
and unshed tears.

If it is any consolation,
and I imagine it is not,
I could not see myself either.

I saw only that which served
my hyper-vigilance, my warrior focus.

My mirror was a battlefield.

I apologize for my ungrounded materialism,
my power driven tyrannies,
my obsession with accumulation.

Somehow I imagined that accumulation
would protect me and those close to me,
but I failed to recognize that
it just perpetuated the madness.

I also apologize for my egoic abuses,
a reflection of my own misguided ego,
pumped up to deal with an inherently competitive world.

I couldn't distinguish the healthy,
confident ego from
the cocky, unhealthy ego.

I went much too far in the wrong direction.

I apologize for a sexuality
that was objectifying
and disconnected from the heart.

I know you longed for real intimacy,
a merging of our souls
along the heart-genital highway.

But there were too many defenses
around my heart, and no bridge
could form between our souls.

There were moments
when your loving ways
freed me from my body masks,
but I had no template
to stand in that heart-fire.

I am sorry for this,
for I know that the path you longed for\
was the path to God.

I apologize for my horrifying acts
of violence, a reflection of my own
congealed rage, my own inability
to distinguish real enemies from friends.

There are no words that can undo
what I have done in those moments
of madness.

I know this, I do.

I would hide my face in shame,
but that won't make things better.

I need to own my misdeeds,
and then find a way to believe
in my capacity to move
from a more loving place.

I call out to other male warriors
to be accountable for the actions
of our gender, not in a way
that is self-hating,
but in a way that is courageously
self-honest and genuinely compassionate.

The heartfelt warrior acknowledges
the error of his ways,
and has the courage to do
all he can to make amends over time.

I apologize for my inability to develop
a conscious relationship.

You were right there
with your beautiful heart
on your sleeve
but I was too attached
to my individualism
and afraid of this unknown terrain.

I know the forests, the marketplace
and the ways of the outer world so well,
but my inner geography is foreign to me.

You called me to a place
I was ill-prepared to go,
although I sensed,
below the surface of my bravado,
that you called me home.

I am grateful for your willingness
to believe that who I was
in those rare moments of vulnerability
was the real me.

You were right
- the real me lives inside of my heart
- but a few moments now and then
was the most I could handle.

I saw you as dangerous,
for in your presence

I began to taste
a surrendered way of being.

Nonetheless, your faith in my goodness
kept me going through many a battle,
and restored my faith in life
when I most needed it.

You were the light at the end
of a barbaric tunnel, and I am blessed.

I am grateful that you stuck with me
through thick and thin,
and I also understand
those times you had to give up
and let go.

I now recognize that there is
meaningful difference
between a love-ship and a relationship.

Love alone is not enough.

Without a shared willingness
to become conscious,
there can only be frustration.

I was so often impossible,
clinging to my unconsciousness
like a soldier clings to his weapons.

I recognize the courage it took for you
to keep your heart open in the presence
of my resistance.

You had every right to seek
an authentic relationship,
as your spirit was ignited in its presence.

Your beautiful heart had every right
to be met in its openness and willingness.

I am grateful for the time you gave me,
a moments respite from the hiding places
I mistakenly called home."


Written by
Jeff Brown: A Letter to the Feminine