Here is a difficult thing to write...we live in a rape culture - Aaron Paquette

Here is a difficult thing to write.

We live in a rape culture.

In our society, we are waking up to this.

And most importantly, we are waking up to it

through the voices of women.

We have been born into rape culture.

Raised in it. Indoctrinated by it.

None of us are untouched by it.

It's reflected in the way we treat women,

children, the poor, the differently abled,

those who toil for our comfort in the third world,

Indigenous peoples, and the rest in what we call “All My Relations”


(the swimmers, crawlers, fliers, diggers, the plants, the rocks, the air,


the soil, and of course the waters).

Rape culture has affected us all either through direct experience,


through someone we know and love, or simply because it’s ever and omni-present.

I remember as a young man I found a pornographic magazine in Mill Creek Ravine.

I was astounded. It was photographs of scantily clad and naked women.

My teenage hormones were on fire.

I took it home. I hid it under my bed.

Later that day I came home to find my mom waiting for me.

She was outraged. She had found it.

I can’t even express my shame.

She didn’t guilt me about being a sexual being.

She didn’t make me feel like there was something wrong

with the fact that I was physically developing into manhood.

Instead, she asked me if the photos would be okay if they were of my sisters.

If I would want other men to look at the pictures and see my sisters as ‘products’,

as something to consume and throw away.

It opened my eyes.

But it wasn’t the end of my journey.

As I said, we are born into this system.

It’s everywhere. It’s in advertising, in movies.

It’s in attitudes and even belief systems.

And it’s often confusing for many, men and women alike,

because we ARE gendered, because we ARE sexual,

and we ARE motivated by purely primal impulses.

It’s the role of society, and by that I mean each and every one of us,

to aim for something better.

To teach our young people better.

And yet we see the demonization of genders by both extremes.

We see division, anger and hatred.

Some of it quite justified, to be honest,

especially when women can’t even safely report that they’ve been hurt.

Some men are scared that they will be falsely accused.

Understandable. But also rare.

It’s a very tricky situation, and no one feels truly safe talking about it.

That speaks volumes.

As I grow older and attempt to grow as a person,

I see how much of my life, my choices, my vision has been clouded by rape culture.

I have been trying to be more aware of this over the past few years,

more sensitive to the moments when I am not being fully the man I want to be.

I am far from perfect and all too aware of it.

I thank the Creator daily for blessing me with a strong wife who brooks no nonsense from anyone.

I am so lucky to have had the mother I do.

She raised us to have respect, be respectful.

She also raised us to work hard, work well, serve others.

And also, to not take any garbage from anyone.

Despite all that, my sisters faced their own struggles in life.

They went through so much pain.

Being used, taken for granted, being objectified.

They are strong and resilient and free and beautiful.

They have found their strength.

But in this world, in this ethic of commoditization, it wasn’t easy.

How do we escape? How do we heal?

How do we find balance in this world where domination, destruction, and greed are celebrated?

Well, first we take an honest look within.

We acknowledge the problem.

We don’t sugar coat it or excuse it.

Then we get to work.

We teach, speak, act, and provide example.

We build instead of destroy.

We take action in the social sphere, the economic, the political, the theological.

We educate tirelessly.

We focus on healing more than punishment.

I find punishment is a patriarchal response, an assertion of control.

Victimizers are almost invariably the product of their own previous victimization.

I know that’s a hard truth to swallow.

This is rape culture.

We all are victims and many of us are perpetuators.

Perpetuators through inaction, through condemning those who speak out,

by rewarding misogyny or turning a blind eye to it

by condoning slut-shaming or man-hate.

This is a discussion we need to have on an adult level without finger pointing,

without blame, without shame.

Our children look to us to help them thrive, to find their place,

to deliver to them a healthy, just and loving world.

We can give them that. But it takes a willingness to grow.

A willingness to forgive, to say, “no more” and to say Right Now.

Men, man up.

Be protectors and not in a paternalistic way.

Tell your buddies it’s not okay to snigger, to demean, to harass, to abuse.

Women, I have no instructions, how could I?

Keep going, a day at a time, and beautiful in spirit..

You are the ones at risk here.

I guess I would ask that you help us to be men.

To encourage proper behaviour in your sons.

I pray you feel strong enough to walk away from those who would hurt you

and to speak out if they do.

We have a long journey.

It won’t be easy.

Emotions are powerful and run deep.

But if we want to, if we can try,

I believe we can walk it together.
hiy hiy -
Aaron Paquette
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