Thoughts On 2020 / Turning 62 - Under Edit

i've NOT yet sat down to reflect
upon 2020...

but, know it was a
YEAR of GREAT SADNESS

~LOST good friends

~saw some friends lose their beloved spouses

~saw some friends lose beloved pets

~saw some people have to let employees go

~saw my own business close,
and, have seen myself just lose 'the spark'
for ever wanting to open the doors again

~yeah 2020, what was to be 'The Year" ...
The Year of The Master Number of 22

in 10 days, i turn 62

~in 2020 i've seen a lot of neighbours start to age badly,
and, age very fast !!!

~those who used to pay lots of taxes,
are actually choosing to retire, so, they pay little or no taxes

~many like me, are grateful
we did NOT bring lives into this world

~in some ways, i feel,
that The Great Spirit of God,
lost track of me,
and, never found me !!!

~i am grateful i had parents
who took good care of others,
but, SOMETIMES, i wonder if they ever considered
WTF i did, when it was days like MOTHERS DAY etc.,

I had a mother that preferred to spend it with her kin
and, there was NEVER any invitation for me to go

(kind of sad, when you think about it)

in fact, rather tragic !!!

sometimes, i wonder,
did anyone else ever live this way ???

Until very recently,
i kept a lot of this
stuffed in the closet
where you keep things
you are NOT supposed to talk about.

Sometimes i wonder if the youngest kid,
has, it easier than the oldest kid...

for a kid that grew up in a home
with just one other sibling,
it is hard to believe,
that a sibling born approx 3.5 years after you
that, we do NOT even know each other !!!

always putting both names on gifts,
but, paying for them yourself,
isn't a real relationship
with a sibling !!!

A mother who would say things like
she was always going to fix things,
make things right, when you have kids ...
but, i had to work hard,
to have a car to get to work
to pay a mortgage, in a big house,
that, was NEVER really a home !!!

Looking back on my life,
i feel like i got 'lost'

i'm NOT so sure,
how much i'd value the opportunity
to go back in time
and, change things ...
because, i'd NOT be me,
if i got to change things !!!

yes, i worked Christmas & Holidays
for triple time, so, people got
to spend the time with their families,
because i didn't have 'my own family'

~little did i realize how my choices
just kept further distancing me from 'the pack'

There was always a theme with my mother,
she alway seemed afraid of what i might say,
or, what i might reveal ???

so, it was always much safer to just NOT be present

if you were NOT present

you could NOT get blamed for anything

there would be NO WORDS you had to take back

and, asbolutely NO WAY

you could be quoted out of content

yeah, growing up was NOT very much fun

if anything included a COST
you might as well, NOT even table the conversation
like most kids; who go from high school
to college or university
- i never went direct
- i was too young to sign any contracts for school
and, i also didn;t really know what i wanted to do
because life was so full of limitations
~that it was easier to work hard to afford things
and, NOT be reliant on anyone else, for anything !!!

it was always safer to be far away
from any family gathering
~so; very young, i think from age 15 forward
ew are the lives that get lived,
that have NO REGRETS !!!

~go easy on people this time of the year,
there are many who spend this time of the year alone !!!